Saturday 22 June 2013
Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi: readers' experiences of family violence
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Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi:
readers' experiences of family violence
Maya':
The Lawson happening confident me to not give up
Reading about Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi,
and after writing this comment were the most cathartic experiences
I've had since I recognised that I was not solely responsible for the fury and violence
happening around me and my daughter. It helped to put down words, and to read
that there were hundreds of others who did not think that threats and scrupulous
discipline constituted the smooth running of a family.
I have not left my husband. My children would be overwhelmed. I
have asked them. They are, of course, scarred. Yet living in India without a
father is more scarring than having a father, who is outwardly calm, live with
you. We have just moved back to India, and it's been a week since I "put
my foot down" firmly. The Lawson incident encouraged me to not give up,
after I recognised that I was doing what it seems she might have been doing …
the pacifying and the justifying.
The process of recognising that my husband was abusive begin
three years ago. It helped to have encouragement from friends who said I must
not let abusive incidents pass without acknowledgment. All around me, women are
hit in public, their incomes taken by their husbands, their children witness to
their fathers' drunken outrages. Relatively, I am in a better position to fight
it. thanks and a little support from friends will help me to persevere. Of
course, I will never receive an apology which a woman in a more liberal culture
would think of as important. But I now know to say no. Which, I think, will
help this family survive. Most importantly, I have taught my daughter to stand
up for herself.
I think abusers need help too. My husband grew up with a father
who broke down doors, threatened to kill his mother, and was extremely abusive.
He sometimes says his mother is at fault. He actually thinks he treats me way
too well.
My biggest advice? Do not keep it a secret. Recognise, report
and stay away firmly, without tears (they show you are scared) or self-pity.
Include anger management in premarital counselling. And may the media never
stop reporting.
'Sarah': My ex would give me 'playful' French burns in communal
The photos of Saatchi grabbing Lawson around the throat reminded
me of my first wedding. My ex-husband would give me "playful" French
burns in public, a "playful" kick on the shins, or
"playfully" twist my arm up behind my back. In private he kicked me
down two flights of stairs, threw a teapot full of scalding hot liquid at me,
and kicked in the toilet door and threatened to strangle me in the bath.
My ex moved out in 1977 after I
threatened to get a non-molestation injunction and show it to his friends. Even
then, I received threats from him for a couple of years. After our split, our
friends generally disbelieved my allegations of violence, despite the fact that
most of them had seen him bullying me. Even now, some commentators have been
too willing to accept Saatchi's explanation, and
the failure of anybody at the restaurant to challenge Saatchi was shameful.
They need to ask themselves how they'd feel and react if someone started to
throttle them during an argument.
I became a lawyer. Women who
came to me for domestic violenceinjunctions would often
say they had put up with it because they didn't think they would be believed.
That is not an unreasonable fear, even now. I don't think Lawson should resent
the media intrusion. It is her husband who humiliated her in public, not the
press. I hope that the incident, the press reaction, and the fact that the
police took prompt action, will encourage women in a similar position to get
help.
'Elaine':
I was angry an important person was taking a photo but doing nothing
I felt shock and fury when I initially saw the photos of Nigella
Lawson. At the act itself and the look on her face; at the fact that someone
was taking a picture of it but doing nothing; and that no one at all
intervened. I grew up with a violent stepfather and utterly despised him. I
became very hard and almost had to parent my mother to protect her at a very
young age. My stepfather knew not to push me too far, because given enough
provocation, I would have at least tried to kill him. And he knew it. I am
about to turn 42 and started my first "proper" relationship about 18
months ago (I only had flings with people I didn't care about before), because
of my fear of becoming a victim like my mum.
I actually think that printing the photos is a pretty revolting
thing to do, and pretty much as intrusive as it gets. I still can't get over
the fact that someone would rather have photographed it than helped her. Mind-blowing.
'Soraya':
exit your abuser will save your life
This week I felt a familiar terror. The discussion prompted by
photos of Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi brought back memories of the pain
and humiliation of being repeatedly beaten and raped by my ex-husband a decade
ago. The wounds healed but the feelings of despair and worthlessness have
stayed with me.
I moved here after I married the Englishman I fell in love with
on holiday. I didn't know then how ready he was with his fists and it was years
before I plucked up the courage to leave. At first I denied even to myself that
it was happening, then I began to believe I deserved it. But as I overcame my
isolation in this new country, I regained the courage to strike out on my own.
An educated professional from a liberal Indian family, I hadn't been brought up
to be servile with men, and eventually, this innate self-belief returned. In
the end, I served him the divorce papers personally and watched fearlessly as
he exploded with fury.
Leaving your abuser will save your life, but it's a long hard
road to normality, since you never escape unscathed. It's a journey I have
started in one sense only this week, by finally enlisting the help of a
counsellor. Not because of Lawson, though that did help, but because a very
close friend bailed out after enduring months of my neuroses. Driven by dread
that the legacy of self-doubt, suspicion and self-destructive compulsion from
my first marriage would cause psychological scarring, or break up my beautiful
little family, I have dusted out the issues I swept under the carpet a decade
ago and am ready to deal with them.
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